Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
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i understand that my body can’t digest corn or whatever. that’s fine. my issue is that i f****** chewed it. how the hell is it coming out back in the shape of corn. what are they not telling us
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
How actors in movies eat their food
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”