Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
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damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
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Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
Overindulged this afternoon.
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
I can’t deal with men any longer
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
that colleague who touches your screen
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.