In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
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Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
Seems kinda suspicious
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.