HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
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You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy