am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
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Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
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*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in