My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
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Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks