Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
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My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
Delightful if true: booby trap.
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second