Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
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Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
the icebreaker
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
I used to think the key to small talk was always having something to say (difficult) but now I think the key is being genuinely relaxed and putting people at ease (very difficult).
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
You got this…
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.