Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
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I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
work smarter, not harder
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
Yes my dude
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon