ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
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Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
#milo
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
lol
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.