Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
You Might Also Like
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
#SuperBowl
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.