#DesignFail
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I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]