On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
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Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
Very suspicious that this keeps happening