I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
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discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.
Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”