“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
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WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.