That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
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I am all good here, 😂😉
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
This trial is so absurd 😭
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes