WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
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captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
how are there low birth rates when everyone here is a big baby
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo