2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
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The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
How times have changed.
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.