4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
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The prophecy is fulfilled
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.