Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
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when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.