If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
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I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
The dark side of Canada
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
the short answer to this question
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
Don’t snitch tag.
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.