Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
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PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.