Happy Friday
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I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
What in the hipster hell is going on here
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
vegan witches, happy halloween!
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
Sunday
when u come home smelling like another dog
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.