when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
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Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
My dryer is celebrating lint.
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.