Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
You Might Also Like
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
japanese corn
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.