If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
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[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber