Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
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4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
The hardest thing Vision has to do
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.