Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
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Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 馃槨馃棷
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
[forest]
ME: omg there鈥檚 a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.