“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
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Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
Taking my car to the shop see you in $2000
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.