[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
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They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
when you order from DoorDastardly
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
All excellent questions
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
*puts words between two asterisks*
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!