If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
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cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on