I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
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My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
What about a To-Don’t List?
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.