Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
You Might Also Like
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
our love story in four pictures
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.