Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
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I have so many questions.
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.