the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
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Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
You know…for fall…
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter
Don’t talk down to me
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes