So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
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my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.