The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
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[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
Goodnight 🐶
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.