Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
You Might Also Like
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
Thursday Thought.
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so