PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
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*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.