One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
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Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
i met a girl in a bar bathroom once who was ready to fight this girl harassing me with zero context to the situation and we’ve been best friends ever since.
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)