I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
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Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”