I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
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BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
Police sketch artist: Two criminals? But you’ve just described a vase
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.