Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
You Might Also Like
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
If you breakdance you buy dance.
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.