I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
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can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
Lol #dogsoftwitter
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
The most important meal of the day is the next one
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.