sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
You Might Also Like
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
Rich people don’t understand cereal
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.