A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
You Might Also Like
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH