Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
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Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”