My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
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I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.