Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
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I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
Everyone’s family
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.