I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
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[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
Said the murderer.
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
I…do not understand how electricity works.
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-